9 weeks 2 days

"Theres almost nothing you could tell me to ease my mind....."

Great song lyric from my ultimate Fav jack johnson. That is how I feel right now. Past couple of days have been rather disheartening. Nothing in general other then the fact that I am proud of what I have accomplished....and then at the same time I am disappointed in my decision thus far in life. Divorced and Pregnant all before 23. I don't know...seems like I am so concerned with what everyone else thinks at times. I'm wondering when I will fully feel comfortable with everything that has happened in my life. But, i don't think I will feel like that until I have FULL support from the one I love. When he wavers with how he feels...i do the same. I am just at a loss right now. There is times when I can't even describe the loneliness I feel. I know there is SO many people that would be here in a second but its different...I don't want anyone here. I would rather wallow in my own depression. If someone asked me right now WHAT DO I WANT ....where do I want to go....what do I want to do....I don't even think I could answer it. Even if my wish would be granted. I don't think I saw the reality of my situation until this weekend and now it's hitting me...and it's hitting me hard.

I have noticed lately Andrew acting werid about things especially our vacation. One day we are planning it for beginning of june and now he said that last weeks of June. and then he says that he doesn't really want to do it. Well what is it? I'm at the point where I dont care anymore. There's this amazing song by David Gray--He sings " This years love" ...its one of those heart wrenching songs that really just make you think. and its' got me thinking and right about now I just don't want to be alone anymore. Anyways...how am I feeling. Dry heaves come and go with certain smells. Today I felt good...had a little headache come and go on it's own in the afternoon. I am very tired as usual...nothing new really on all that. It's all more mental for right now. Ugh..Something needs to give at some point....something needs to go MY WAY for once in my life. Please....
I know somewhere along the way I have done something to earn it. come on...just this once.